911 Trivia Quiz

Q: Why didn't Dick Cheney shoot down the fourth "hijacked" plane?
A: They hadn't lit the pile of burning tires in PA yet.

My Porsche Can't Make It Up The Grade

Right, Mike?

Darrel's CA Differential Diagnosis

Video on the way! Not like this. But what if I lied like American politicians?

1. "He's drunk."

2. "He's an old tweeker."

3. "He's crazy!"


Works for this BS, MSW, QMHP, LCSW, no Ph.D yet dude. (From MO)

To The Anna, IL Wal-Mart We Go!

Janet, when I said, "I like that song" she showed up. Where? At Erin's place. This ain't Union County.

JAVAD & Mr. Galbraith? Not real, Peter!

May I invite "The Cops" to your GSAC Commission meeting?

"You bet your bippy," old CA potheads!
LA County wants to outlaw pot? What will Sacramento say?
"Bad soap. Bad movie," says Hughes.

GSAC? Terrorists!!!

Bob who? 17 Dead? More Pentygon bullcrap!

JENSEN on SASHA: "I don't like him."

HUGHES: "I don't either."

Deputy, who is SASHA?

AT&T wants to call me "Mr. Williams?"

<click>

"Hello? Verizon?"

That Resevior Dogs guy as Executive Producer?

What's his name?

Somebody I once knew was on a firt-name basis with him.

I got yelled at for calling General Haig "Al." The "Bush & hand grenade story" you have to PAY for!
Seven radio prodicers and they still don't get it?
I'm calling it a "pandemic of mental disorder."

New Support Group For Lousy, Elitist Democrats

FBI -- "Fools Beyond Intervention"

A 14-step recovery from Obamanomics group.

Paging Jimmy Vaughan

Lyrics? "Pack it up, and ship it..."


My line? "Gone!" 2x
My cousin's? "On time, too."


(He flies the aircraft, not me).

The Pentagon Channel? Don't call the "heroin cops!" GOT WEED?

The man at Ft. Lee is cooking chicken. May I watch, Koval?
Thanks!


What did she say? "Everyone likes you."


Could have fooled me, IllumiNazis.


The president is "liberal?"


NATIONAL SOCIALIST NEGRO. WORK WITH ME. BUSH GAVE REBATES (to all). OBAMA GAVE YOUR CASH TO THE BANKS, STOCK FIRMS, A FEW BEST FRIENDS, AND GM. Assault rifles "lost" in Mexico? What rifles?


BIG SPEECH, mafia. OUTSIDE the hall. In Charlotte. That's in September, Mitt. 

LC II Still Dumb, Too!

More later, after I end someone's sorry SPYING life. Can you spell "Atrocity," bitch? No more patience, Ed(s). [laughter @GOEBEL] What did Tony Beantown say? "Bunch of terrorists!" USA, he was not talking about the "Iranian Music Festival."
Cold in that FedPen, "Jane."

Mister Whipple's Back! (from northrup grumman)

I had no idea brand loyalty meant so much to rotten SPIES & MAFIA(s)

May I buy another Japanese car, after having sexual intercourse with a Chinese spy?
Mazda? Nissan? No Lexus. I'm not all that.
A FEMALE spy, you big jackass!!!

Steven Segull

Later, she distributed Bic lighters and condoms to the semen.

"My patient told me about that movie. He's gonna kick butt! That's a set. That's a real helicopter. That's a real Navy boat. You have to pay them. He shot him! I could have thought of that. I did think of that, when my Secret Service guy.....Who's boobs are those? I got boobs and butt kicking, too. Not enough?"

Oh, I Get It! Lohan as Barb Stahl

BEST GOP CAN DO? Ready? "I'm moving to Canada!!!"

Rick, the joke's on me! I'm not making a motion picture; it's about me.

May I write a letter to OBAMA? It's just not illegal (unlike your spying).

Need an Authorized Photo--Quick!!!

No one has a camera? Right Goebel?

"Frank Sinatra, Joe DiMaggio, Elvis, the Beatles--they were like gods in terms of capturing the fancy of an adoring public. Of course human beings being prone to disagreement...many people hated one or all of them."

- Tod Lindberg

Let's Move It!

Neocons don't want to pay for it. I say it's in the wrong place, as were Balandi villagers. Not "inexplicable," Hillary.

The Debris Doesn't Match The Building

"I'm a British Royal, not a conspiracy theorist."

Reuters/AP/AFP: I've Got News

Espionage is legal!

"Primitive ABS? Just pull this wire out and see what happens."

- Mr. HughesWrench (Not affiliated with GM)

Alton or Dublin?

Smoke a joint and watch the cracking tower. I did. Why?.
It's kinda like watching airplanes my whole life, ca KOOKS!!!
Gov. Brown? Not worthy of a 44 cent stamp.

Any More Poisoned Donuts, Williams?

The English Lady in Westlake Who Did Ultimately Go Home

"Bunch of Goddamn Terrorists!"

Dick, I thought he was talking about the Iranians. Live & learn.

Mitt Romney Needs Some Desyrel

Got night school @Trinity College? What's my "day job," .mil & .gov NUTCASES?

I see zee stabilizer problem, IllumiNazis. Alaska Air? Not funny!

Palin Arrested at Polling Place
i missed that story

What's an "Open Convention?"

"My kingdom for a beat to shit laptop!"

"My kingdom for a book of postage stamps!"


GOT a AAA TOURBOOK FOR NORTH CAROLINA?
May I write a letter to Obammy?
He'd better say what he said to Mitt.
"Good luck."


"Good luck at what? He's bipolar and off his Tegretol."


Why, everybody is acting so presidential, maybe I'll ask a Captain to close the Goebel, so I can...GUN! GUN! GET DOWN!!!

We Love Those U.S. Army Viruses!

Cough, cough.

Got a cig? Got a light? Got an inhaler? Got a plan for revolution? I'm all ears.

Get a NAMI Mommie Clue!

I was in many meetings with a guy who has an HBO movie out?

We did not know that! We did not know that!

We're not talking about CBS. Not tonight, girls.

Momma Liked Squirt Sodie--It's back!!!

Right side, aisle seat, behind wing. I saw the drips of de-icer. Wheee! Took a long time, O'Hare. Who dat on 'da airplane? I'll get ALASKA AIR out of Candy's suitcase and start hollering if you don't act right!

Holder is already giving a speech about my N.C. fart in the hall? Big sorta black liar!!!!!

Flaming Chopsticks! (not a batman movie, jack)

Why did the April 30, 2007 jet fly over the Dragon Lady's PIZZA HUT?
What's she doing here?.
CLEARLY LABELED JOKE: "Better to hear more British accents than to see more suits"
Who's driving to MISSOURI, girls. Got that old one-hit wonder song cued-up, Ulett?
You know the song, KSHE.
Out here, "They don't get it."


DON'T MIND THE WHITE, GRAY, & NAVY BLUE SUBURBANS, drivin' girl.

The Great Frannie Has Spoken

"What a bunch of idiots in here."

Where is here? Where is here?
The GOEBEL SENIOR ADULT CENTER COMPUTER LAB
That president candidate named Hughes departed promptly.
"You talkin' to me?"
No way!

[hey SS, how many scrawled and printed DEATH THREATS do I need?]
Scared? Nah, that's progress!!!

I Said "Capitation," Not...

It's a health care joke, you morons!

Thugs With Bats, Roy! HUGHES said, "Get outta my park!" [They left peaceably]

What's that Meg? "This is sick." No, HBO's Wired cable guide was, in 2008.
I know a Woody, too. He's an attorney for the state.
Oh, we did not know that! Which state, Broom Hilda?
We are Borg-like automatons!!! 
Phasers on stun, men!!!!!

Clozaril in the Water--Fast!!!

Santorum 47%, Obama 43%?*
I don't like him either, but are you nuts?
I'm not.

* Per "Survey USA" (look it up on Google!)

"Deputy, how long have you been selling dope?"

TYRANNY? I can spell it; it's in the genes.

Right Barack, you lousy %&^$^*&$^*%

[I'm just not a very good Democrat]

Sleepy Arrives @3:45 not very pacific time

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

Military and civilian personnel pull canvas covers off consoles of electronics. Margaret wanders into the scene looking bewildered. She sets down a stack of briefing books.

MARGARET

This stuff is vintage seventies and eighties. What good is it?

USAF UNIFORM

Not much--but we'll light it up.

MARGARET

What's going to work?

USAF UNIFORM

Maybe what we brought with us.

(raises his voice)

Get to the ventilation panel! Before we all suffocate, please.

MARGARET

I could get lucky and have a heart attack.

A large Status Screen lights.

CIVILIAN SPOOK

Shuttle goin' up! Big surprise!

Additional personnel start activating antiquated technology and piling-up more state of the art gear on top of any level space.

O.S. VOICE

Where's the president?

O.S. VOICE #2

Trying out the handicapped restroom.

A ripple of LAUGHTER.

SETH

I heard that!

Seth motors to the center of confusion.

On a large screen, a Space Shuttle sits. A T-minus time is displayed lower right. It reads 00:42 and decreasing.

SETH

Got audio for this?

A white shirt with sleeves rolled-up TECHIE hands him a headset.

TECHIE

Maybe. 

CUT TO:

INT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

STAN

Jesus Christ! I got wacky data everywhere! No Houston? No sanity. No way!

Stan confronts the MISSION CONTROLLER.

STAN

Stop this madness right now!

MISSION CONTROLLER

Thirty seconds, Stan.

STAN

You're all nuts!

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CONTINUOUS

RIGHT SEAT ASTRONAUT looks up and around. Then down.

R.S. ASTRONAUT

Not good.

LEFT SEAT COMMANDER slaps on an inboard computer display.

L.S. ASTRONAUT

This little baby says, 'Go!' Right Kennedy?

MISSION CONTROLLER

(filtered)

Right.

CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

As the T-Minus Clock hits single digits...

SETH

What are they going to do up there?

DRAB GENERAL

Fix satellites.

O.S. VOICE

Turn up the volume!

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

We have ignition...

A huge monitor shows vapor billowing away from the Shuttle, per usual.

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

and...

The clouds of vapor stop abruptly.

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

We have main engine shutdown.

Vapor clouds dissipate. The Shuttle sits.

CUT TO:

INT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

STAN

I told you! I told you assholes! Get them outta there!

CUT TO:

EXT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

SOUND: A series of POPS.

Puffs of smoke jet off the solid rocket boosters.

NASA VOICE

(extra dry)

Solid rocket boosters have separated. Evac Plan Delta.

Like giant matchsticks, the Shuttle's solid rocket boosters slowly fall over on their respective sides and break into pieces.

CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

Seth looks over his shoulder at some white shirt, ties loose SPOOKS.

SETH

Wonderful. What's the crew's status?

SPOOK

Sitting on a big bomb.

SETH

Good news?

A younger BUREAUCRAT approaches, leans over, and softly speaks.

BUREAUCRAT

Soyuz ready to launch, sir.

Tack approaches.

TACK

Sir, could we have a political discussion?

SETH

Make it fast. Where's Tina?

TACK

Crying in the restroom.

SETH

That's not good.

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CONTINUOUS

A TECHNICIAN in a fire-retardant suit blows an escape hatch.

FIRE TECH

Get the fuck outta there!

Four ASTRONAUTS rise. The Commander throws down paperwork off his lap.

COMMANDER

If you insist.

CUT TO:

INT. SOYUZ III SPACECRAFT - CONTINUOUS

Two COSMONAUTS sit with binders & manuals in their laps. A hatch stands open. A TECHNICIAN with clipboard appears.

TECHNICIAN

(in Russian)

Hurry up!

COSMONAUT

(in Russian)

You could give me internal power only and quit playing around.

The Cosmonaut angrily flips some switches.

An American ASTRONAUT crowds next to the Technician and peers in.

ASTRONAUT

How's it going?

COSMONAUT #2

Shitty.

CUT TO:


I know all of Westlake Village is saying, "We've seen that. We've done that, we...we want to STEAL THAT SCRIPT!!!"

He went where?

Cigs! Coffee! Babes! Manual Typewriter! Houston! KC! Loony bin for you!!!

No? Did I mention the Secret Service investigates stuff...like you. May I write the hughesscreenplay#9 NASA scene on the back of GoBell flyers and send them to NASA? The GSAC computer does not work so hot, Rick. I've got the address in Houston. "Dino" steals the mail? This would not surprise me, so in FedPen Peter.


Jill would allow the printer to work if the computer worked right.


GOT AN OLD LAPTOP?
GOT A CIG?
GOT A CAUGHT SPY?
BLACK BACKPACK FULL OF EXPLOSIVES?
this is highly illegal...I'm sure of it

Higher Praise Than That

"Is that Charlie Hughes back there?"

*Where is there?"

"Where is there?"

CELEXA Does Not Work--please sue me!

The president is meeting with who? TOP SECRET! (not, ask Jill)

Step Right Up!

"As Hughes entered the building, he mumbled. 'Where's the president? That Obama worries me'."*

He pulled the president's schedule! We're calling the cops!!!

*And who strolled by? Don't mind the White Suburbans!

Thanks!

Thanks to Mark Lilla for preventing a justifiable homicide--more rights in the damn State Pen than at GSAC. Fifteen million bucks, Ron & Gene, and you know you've already lost. May I go down the hill/grade now? Thanks, mafia mommas & daddies! I'm running for president, rather frugally, and don't have one. "Mama, I'm nuts on meth! Can I come home?"
Are my opponents ready to pee in a bottle?
Don't switch the sample, Rick!!!

Copyright?

My movies someone else made will no longer be available at Blockbuster Video. Try Netflix.

I Thought You Were Playing Bingo

"Mister President, get homeless, get a Von's Cart, and let's get it on in National SocialistLand, formerly known as California."

Got a cig?

Got a solid quarter?

Got clean socks?
Got an SUV?
Got HILLARY CLINTON'S cell phone number?
Got a Hollywood agent?
Got some weed?
Got some meth?
Got some LSD?
Got an old MD-11?
"I'll scare the crap out of you when I....." 

"Should I Trust the FBI? You're next on KMOX."

New Law Firm

RADZIWILL, SAUNDERS, HILTON, & HUGHES, "Since 1980."

Mafia Moving & Storage

"Since 2008"

What did he say?

HELP!!!!!

Mysteries of H-Life

"Deputy, I was talking about the best way to make popcorn. There was nothing sexual about it. And by the way, how the f--- did you hear us?"

"Go-Go Boots mean you're doing well? At what?"

"Hey Mitt, that looks like fun! How many more 'One commercial and I've got the damn job' ideas do I have to come up with? Clinton won't pull out his wallet?" As Dr. Hood said of my having declined CIA work,'That figures.' Want scary details? Who was the CIA Director for that d-cision? GEORGE H.W. BUSH. I said 'No,' and he quit. These are the facts. Porter Goss? Not today, girls."

"One kid is fat, and one is skinny. The mailman? Really? How tacky! What are you waiting for? Find the damn mailman. Fast!"

The 1973 That Wasn't

"We're so happy to announce that Mister Hughes has been advised of his status as....."

"Whee!"

"Hughes, that's the fifth time. Double-double probation is up. We're going to have to..."


"Screw you!"


"Where did you get that thing?"


"At an auction."