Clozaril in the Water--Fast!!!

Santorum 47%, Obama 43%?*
I don't like him either, but are you nuts?
I'm not.

* Per "Survey USA" (look it up on Google!)

"Deputy, how long have you been selling dope?"

TYRANNY? I can spell it; it's in the genes.

Right Barack, you lousy %&^$^*&$^*%

[I'm just not a very good Democrat]

Sleepy Arrives @3:45 not very pacific time

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

Military and civilian personnel pull canvas covers off consoles of electronics. Margaret wanders into the scene looking bewildered. She sets down a stack of briefing books.

MARGARET

This stuff is vintage seventies and eighties. What good is it?

USAF UNIFORM

Not much--but we'll light it up.

MARGARET

What's going to work?

USAF UNIFORM

Maybe what we brought with us.

(raises his voice)

Get to the ventilation panel! Before we all suffocate, please.

MARGARET

I could get lucky and have a heart attack.

A large Status Screen lights.

CIVILIAN SPOOK

Shuttle goin' up! Big surprise!

Additional personnel start activating antiquated technology and piling-up more state of the art gear on top of any level space.

O.S. VOICE

Where's the president?

O.S. VOICE #2

Trying out the handicapped restroom.

A ripple of LAUGHTER.

SETH

I heard that!

Seth motors to the center of confusion.

On a large screen, a Space Shuttle sits. A T-minus time is displayed lower right. It reads 00:42 and decreasing.

SETH

Got audio for this?

A white shirt with sleeves rolled-up TECHIE hands him a headset.

TECHIE

Maybe. 

CUT TO:

INT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

STAN

Jesus Christ! I got wacky data everywhere! No Houston? No sanity. No way!

Stan confronts the MISSION CONTROLLER.

STAN

Stop this madness right now!

MISSION CONTROLLER

Thirty seconds, Stan.

STAN

You're all nuts!

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CONTINUOUS

RIGHT SEAT ASTRONAUT looks up and around. Then down.

R.S. ASTRONAUT

Not good.

LEFT SEAT COMMANDER slaps on an inboard computer display.

L.S. ASTRONAUT

This little baby says, 'Go!' Right Kennedy?

MISSION CONTROLLER

(filtered)

Right.

CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

As the T-Minus Clock hits single digits...

SETH

What are they going to do up there?

DRAB GENERAL

Fix satellites.

O.S. VOICE

Turn up the volume!

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

We have ignition...

A huge monitor shows vapor billowing away from the Shuttle, per usual.

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

and...

The clouds of vapor stop abruptly.

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER VOICE

We have main engine shutdown.

Vapor clouds dissipate. The Shuttle sits.

CUT TO:

INT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

STAN

I told you! I told you assholes! Get them outta there!

CUT TO:

EXT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - CONTINUOUS

SOUND: A series of POPS.

Puffs of smoke jet off the solid rocket boosters.

NASA VOICE

(extra dry)

Solid rocket boosters have separated. Evac Plan Delta.

Like giant matchsticks, the Shuttle's solid rocket boosters slowly fall over on their respective sides and break into pieces.

CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

Seth looks over his shoulder at some white shirt, ties loose SPOOKS.

SETH

Wonderful. What's the crew's status?

SPOOK

Sitting on a big bomb.

SETH

Good news?

A younger BUREAUCRAT approaches, leans over, and softly speaks.

BUREAUCRAT

Soyuz ready to launch, sir.

Tack approaches.

TACK

Sir, could we have a political discussion?

SETH

Make it fast. Where's Tina?

TACK

Crying in the restroom.

SETH

That's not good.

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CONTINUOUS

A TECHNICIAN in a fire-retardant suit blows an escape hatch.

FIRE TECH

Get the fuck outta there!

Four ASTRONAUTS rise. The Commander throws down paperwork off his lap.

COMMANDER

If you insist.

CUT TO:

INT. SOYUZ III SPACECRAFT - CONTINUOUS

Two COSMONAUTS sit with binders & manuals in their laps. A hatch stands open. A TECHNICIAN with clipboard appears.

TECHNICIAN

(in Russian)

Hurry up!

COSMONAUT

(in Russian)

You could give me internal power only and quit playing around.

The Cosmonaut angrily flips some switches.

An American ASTRONAUT crowds next to the Technician and peers in.

ASTRONAUT

How's it going?

COSMONAUT #2

Shitty.

CUT TO:


I know all of Westlake Village is saying, "We've seen that. We've done that, we...we want to STEAL THAT SCRIPT!!!"

He went where?

Cigs! Coffee! Babes! Manual Typewriter! Houston! KC! Loony bin for you!!!

No? Did I mention the Secret Service investigates stuff...like you. May I write the hughesscreenplay#9 NASA scene on the back of GoBell flyers and send them to NASA? The GSAC computer does not work so hot, Rick. I've got the address in Houston. "Dino" steals the mail? This would not surprise me, so in FedPen Peter.


Jill would allow the printer to work if the computer worked right.


GOT AN OLD LAPTOP?
GOT A CIG?
GOT A CAUGHT SPY?
BLACK BACKPACK FULL OF EXPLOSIVES?
this is highly illegal...I'm sure of it

Higher Praise Than That

"Is that Charlie Hughes back there?"

*Where is there?"

"Where is there?"

CELEXA Does Not Work--please sue me!

The president is meeting with who? TOP SECRET! (not, ask Jill)

Step Right Up!

"As Hughes entered the building, he mumbled. 'Where's the president? That Obama worries me'."*

He pulled the president's schedule! We're calling the cops!!!

*And who strolled by? Don't mind the White Suburbans!

Thanks!

Thanks to Mark Lilla for preventing a justifiable homicide--more rights in the damn State Pen than at GSAC. Fifteen million bucks, Ron & Gene, and you know you've already lost. May I go down the hill/grade now? Thanks, mafia mommas & daddies! I'm running for president, rather frugally, and don't have one. "Mama, I'm nuts on meth! Can I come home?"
Are my opponents ready to pee in a bottle?
Don't switch the sample, Rick!!!

Copyright?

My movies someone else made will no longer be available at Blockbuster Video. Try Netflix.

I Thought You Were Playing Bingo

"Mister President, get homeless, get a Von's Cart, and let's get it on in National SocialistLand, formerly known as California."

Got a cig?

Got a solid quarter?

Got clean socks?
Got an SUV?
Got HILLARY CLINTON'S cell phone number?
Got a Hollywood agent?
Got some weed?
Got some meth?
Got some LSD?
Got an old MD-11?
"I'll scare the crap out of you when I....." 

"Should I Trust the FBI? You're next on KMOX."

New Law Firm

RADZIWILL, SAUNDERS, HILTON, & HUGHES, "Since 1980."

Mafia Moving & Storage

"Since 2008"

What did he say?

HELP!!!!!

Mysteries of H-Life

"Deputy, I was talking about the best way to make popcorn. There was nothing sexual about it. And by the way, how the f--- did you hear us?"

"Go-Go Boots mean you're doing well? At what?"

"Hey Mitt, that looks like fun! How many more 'One commercial and I've got the damn job' ideas do I have to come up with? Clinton won't pull out his wallet?" As Dr. Hood said of my having declined CIA work,'That figures.' Want scary details? Who was the CIA Director for that d-cision? GEORGE H.W. BUSH. I said 'No,' and he quit. These are the facts. Porter Goss? Not today, girls."

"One kid is fat, and one is skinny. The mailman? Really? How tacky! What are you waiting for? Find the damn mailman. Fast!"

The 1973 That Wasn't

"We're so happy to announce that Mister Hughes has been advised of his status as....."

"Whee!"

"Hughes, that's the fifth time. Double-double probation is up. We're going to have to..."


"Screw you!"


"Where did you get that thing?"


"At an auction."

NEVER A SUPERVISORY POSITION--for either of us Royals

And who are you, GOEBEL nutcase?

William who?

DNC Speech Written, Screenwriting Career Over. Any suggestions?

"Jane" has noticed my disfigurement from another damn virus. "Rick thinks he's the boss," said Kysor, and he's at it again. Do not disclose a public phone number? Do not disclose a public address? Mr. Tan-a-ka is not that stupid.


The correct questions are:
Why is PANERA's address not correct as on "The Web," or do you kooks call it "The Net?"
Why are they running from my logical communication like it's the Process Server?
What is HH's grandson doing living in Ed's "Tessla Park?"
Hey, I need a "mafia ride!"
PHOENIX>>HOUSTON>>KANSAS CITY>>ST. LOUIS>>CHARLOTTE
{I spelled PHOENIX wrong, but the fbi zip code was right. will it be returned to..i've got a sudden headache...my tooth hurts...i have to pee really bad...tony does smell like...}


Must be my name: H-U-G-H-E-S.
May I exit your stinky building now?



QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"It's like Vienna in 1913."
- Pat Caddell, on KABC 02/05/12 regarding the D.C. "political class"
[they know everything, or so they think]


Whereas I am occasionally wrong--ask Mr. Bruce.

"I Only Go Out To Westlake If I Have To"

EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING – CONTINUOUS

As helicopter rotor wash blows vegetation about, Connie roots in a large duffel bag. Bob pulls a black slate device out of a fanny pack.

BOB

You’d think they’d give us an aide or something. You know, like a stationary engineer. That’s an old joke.

He waves the device around.

BOB (cont’d)

Over there. In that little grotto.

Connie proceeds to “wire” herself with a gadget on her belt, a small headset, and a tiny satellite dish, which she points upward.

CONNIE

(looking skyward)

Hello? I sure hope this works.

CUT TO:

INT. SOYUZ III – CONTINUOUS

A Cosmonaut sips black coffee.

COSMONAUT

I shoulda gone to MIT. Couldn’t afford the tuition.

He looks out the window at his colleagues, working parked next to an ailing satellite.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE – CONTINUOUS

Two SPACEWALKERS have a spaghetti of fiber optics and a burnt spot on a communications satellite.

ASTRONAUT

They burnt the ‘H’ off of it, but it might still work.

ASTRONAUT #2

Here’s your patch cord. I worked with the best of the eighties big hair bands…in LA.

ASTRONAUT

Yeah, right.

EXT. OPEN AIRSPACE – CONTINUOUS

A B-2 BOMBER attempts to survey the mess in the jungle below. Suddenly, a river they are following lights-up in flames that rush downstream.

B-2 VOICE

(filtered)

That’s oil. Or gas.

B-2 RADIO VOICE

(weak, filtered)

Apparently, they’ve got a leak.

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING – CONTINUOUS

Connie has placed her dish atop a bush, and now walks in circles.

CONNIE

(to headset)

It’s a little grotto. Rockface wall of sorts. Bob’s sure it’s there. He’s what? He’s reading the Wall Street Journal. Anyway, we know it is in there, and...…

A FLASH of light interrupts her.

Two NATIVE PEOPLE appear and stand near the rock wall.

CONNIE (cont’d)

(to headset)

I got pulses of light and people appearing out of nowhere. This has even gotten Bob’s attention, and…hello? Aw, shit!

CUT TO:

INT. GERALD FORD/BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS

The entire command is drunk. CHINESE and RUSSIAN OFFICERS have joined the festivities.

U.S ADMIRAL

Every strategic bomber in the world--in the air! Do I give a damn? Hell no!

He leans forward, face flushed.

U.S. ADMIRAL (cont’d)

And you?

RUSSIAN ADMIRAL

Fuck it!

U.S. ADMIRAL

You got it, sir.

CHINESE SUB CAPTAIN

Got any American junk food?

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING – CONTINUOUS

Bob and Connie are “staring down” the natives. They hear RUSTLING in the trees behind them.

Light, Bill, and the Chinese Airman emerge, rifles slung.

Connie whirls around.

CONNIE

And..who are you guys?

BILL

I get that question a lot. Truthfully, not enough around here.

BOB

Aw, for chrissakes! I can see the uniforms. Rummage sale, or real?

LIGHT
Who are you?

Bob pulls his D.C. Driver’s License.

BOB

Aw, for God’s sake. Here’s proof I passed the driver’s test.

Bob struts toward them—-holds it out in his hand.

Light looks at it quizzically.

BOB

Guys, I’m Bob Burrman, the president’s National Security Adviser.

The Chinese Airman starts LAUGHING.

All stare at each other for a moment, as if on drugs.

BILL

Well, that’s a fine how do you do.

CUT TO:

Pardon me, T.O. "Master Planners," I wuz "brain-jacked" and looking for this on MSN
you see, Disney & Universal want my screenplays for FREE

It's a new form of comminism.
more FREE hughesscreenplay#9 tomorrow.
It's really cool!
a dollar late and dollar short. Hey WB Brandeis Jews, more FREE screenplay!
{"He's getting anti-Semitic" EVER BEEN TORTURED? Getting all racial? Wait until I stir-up the "crackers" in NC. Oh, I'm in the hall? thanks--I think}


It's the patented Hughes Switcheroo!

EXT. BURBANK LAUNDROMAT - DAY


Hughes taps on the brakes and sees a CHRYSLER 300 approaching fast to his left.
He hits the brakes hard. 


SOUND; CRUNCH.


A junky Buick has hit Hughes' Focus.
Both drivers exit.

U-GUY

I work at Universal.

HUGHES

And what is your car insurance policy number?

O.T.? More Like Hot & Cold Running Nutcases

"Are you fucking kidding? He had over three thousand dollars in fives and tens, a bag full of crack vials, and a nine millimeter pistol stuffed in his jacket pocket. No doubt a business competitor shot him.

His friends were carrying pistols. They wanted the time to lift his merchandise.

They were all dirtbags. If not for this I would have gotten an hour's sleep."

May I sell some illegal drugs and run for president? I understand they are enormously popular, especially if the customers are wealthy.


Fair use, baby!


- "Dr. Sanchez," quoted in Mark Brown's Emergency: True Stories From The Nation's ER's, Villard Books/Random House (1996), p. 153-154.

Free Screenplays! Free Stories! Free Pens! Free R.S.V.P. Coffee! [hey kook, your ass will never be free if I make POTUS]

Free pen from Los Robles? How many people have they murdered? Maimed? I saw three very bad needle sticks. Where did you go to nursing school Ms. Illuminati, RN?

I looked-up Congresswoman Hahn, and got Harman. Has El Sugundo been invaded by space aliens? Sir, the "pox" is from a virus. It manifests as boils on my hands. I've has a lesser case berfore, because I'm dumb enough to eat gifted food. May I have a food taster? William IV did not have one? I'm so shocked, Carnegie, Mellon, Vanderbilt, and additional robber-baron heirs. I'm going to get to be president, and.....

May I make a business deal, mafia? May I make a movie, mafia? May I solicit some PAC money, mafia? May I tell the story of Charles Edward Hughes fucking bleeding to death out his nose, and he said what? "Slow down?" Walked into the BJC CHRISTIAN HOSPITAL NE Emergency Room minus a pint of blood--like a shot Ronnie Rayguns. Man, you ca kooks are in "Deep Dutch," and just don't get it.


DOES OUR "OREO PRESIDENT" ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE MY BLOGS? I've recommended them to the fbi and secret service in writing.
TODAY'S BAD JOKE:
"When is the Secret Service not so secret?"
"When you recognize half of them."
I'm "nuts?"
Think that at your own risk,
and have a nice weekend

NO WORK ALLOWED @ GoBell

"Who is that beggar out there?" Shhhhh...it's WILLIAM IV."

Panama Man

Did China buy my canal? BOOM-BOOM. Deal's off.

Rachel: "They're having a seminar about the Panama Canal. Would you like to attend?"

William: "I know a guy from Panama."

Rachel: "Really?"

William: "Yeah. And Afghanistan, and Iran, and Vietnam, and Sweden, and South Africa, and..."

Rachel: "Did you go there?"

William; "No. They came to me."

Rachel: "Good night, William."

That Hughes is kinda conservative. And, he hangs out with some very questionable people, like that black helicopter crowd. Skunkworks types, too. We ought to reelect the...."^^^~~~zzzzzit.......sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Do they still have the old Indian Test pattern?

Really?

The same old phone is a "coincidence?" I can call 911 on it right now, mother_____r."
TONIGHT'S "LOO CLUE": EMDR