Lazy Enough For Government Work

Did the real u.s. government put a fancy, possibly internal (intra-office is the term we used in Missouri) NTSB database on my free & fun DELL 755? Why would "they" do that spyin' rodents? Here is what I did. I went to the every humble citizen has access "Accident Database" and declared, "Ah, ha! There are 'incidents' here, too. I've got 'em!" Not really, because the .gov's communicate non-verbally, too. The message? You need to be a D.C. big-shot to see that one on the computer.


May I have a "mafia ride" to the nearest Government Depository Library? I yearn for the dust, the backaches, the copy machine that will surely screw up on this intrepid researcher of 600 m.p.h. spam in a can incidents and close calls. Oh, the glory! For vermin without "clearance," and I will readily admit I threatened your lives last evening, here is the 04.07.2011 replay from the "Bobby Memorial Electrical Closet."

"...there's the seven eleven. We had pitch and yaw, no roll. Here's the roll. He's going in too fast! The Southwest Air 1455 mess is a clue! There's the road around the airport. There's  the outer fence...bump--bump--bump--I'm not liking this...too low. Too fast! Dark...dark...dark...dark...dark. Wait a minute...do the math...he's at maybe 130-140 knots, maybe more...too much time...and...Mister Pratt! Mister Whitney! My butt be buzzing...the nose goes up, up, up, and the drunk salesmen start bitching. Oh, for the days of the unruly night flight! I'm watching the nose go up...FULL POWER...what's wrong? What's wrong with this picture? You dipshit! NO LIGHTS! That's it! NO LIGHTS! Outer runway lights...they're off! I look out the window...we're already on the other side of the airport. Up, up, up, and there's some goddamn lights, on the other end of Hartsfield. There's some of the metro area lit, and clouds, clouds, back into the clouds. Circling for a long time? Bitch, bitch, bitch...oh the businessmen are bitching! Free drinks? They don't do that anymore [except on my new airline. [Hollywood porn and no talent crew got any ideas for a name?]. Oh, so those [EXPLETIVE DELETED] are flying in circles making up a story to stick to! Aw, I'm gonna [REDACTED FOR LEGAL CONCERNS AND TO MAINTAIN A "PG" RATED blogSITE]. Oh, baby! It's a...what's it called? It's...it's...an incident! They had to report it! It's in a report! They could not get out of it! The tower knew it. The regional center knew it. Hey Jimmy, what was on the ground? No lights? Those drunk asses were gonna kill me on the plane? Oh, these genes! I was uncomfortable about the asses inside of the plane, not the flight. It was the drunk flight from hell, but...Oh, those lousy [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Gonna kill Mister Hughes? A fuel truck on the runway could ruin your Atlanta whore's day! No lights meant, "Don't do it?" The spies are crazy about the term L-I-G-H-T...and is that not cool? He did it again! Now, why put a bomb under the CIA's butt on Pan Am 103? Because they are sitting over the bulkhead that will break the front third (the wide part, girls) off. Even the most right-wing kooky Captain will agree that is truly a 'non-recoverable event.' Who designed that plane? Howard? Howard who? It was to be the nuclear command and control plane a.k.a. "Doomsday Plane?" Hey, 'we' were awfully important way back when! Did I mention I'm pretty important? Who passed the [REDACTED TO PROTECT CHRISTIAN CHILDREN] clue? It is a matter of record I ate their tuna salad until it began to taste like cat food."

Who's driving to the Government Depository Library?

"My cat died."
"My car won't start."
"My mechanic stubbed his toe and is late rebuilding my engine."
"I am really, really, crazy and on SSI." (it's a government stipend)
"I'm too busy selling weed."
"The cops in Arizona will send me back to where I belong."
"I live in Westlake Village but have no money."
"I am a female movie star, and we are too busy fighting over Mister Hughes' [&#$*]"

Really?